The humor of Steven Wright - Part 3

Last time I went skiing, I had to get up at 5:00 in the morning. I knew I couldn't do that, so I slept with my skis on. My ride came at 5:30 in the morning, couldn't wake me up so he carried me out of the house, put my skis on the roof rack of the car, and drove to the mountain. Seventeen miles later, I woke up out of this incredibly bizarre dream that I was skydiving horizontally. I'm sure this has happened to you.

A while ago, I went skiing in England. It was a rare package: two weeks in England, one night in Connecticut, two weeks in England. I said, "Yes, I'll take it." I got on this chairlift with this guy I didn't know. We went halfway up the mountain without saying a word. Then he turned to me and said, "You know, this is the first time I've gone skiing in ten years." I said, "Why did you take such a long time off?" He said, "I was in prison. Want to know why?" I said, "Not really. Well, you better tell me why." He said, "I pushed a total stranger off a Ferris wheel." I said, "I remember you."

I looked out my apartment window, and I saw a bird wearing sneakers and a button saying, "I ain't flying no where." I said, "What's your problem buddy?" He said, "I'm sick of this stuff -- winter here, summer there, winter here, summer there. I don't know who thought this stuff up, but it certainly wasn't a bird." I said, "Well, I was just making breakfast, come on in. Want some eggs? Sorry."

One night I came home very late. It was the next night.

I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils.

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays "Helter, Skelter."

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.

I broke a leg one time... Spilled coffee all over.

I lost a button hole today. Where am I gonna find another one?

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

A wino asked me for change... I gave him my shirt.

Factorials were someone's attempt to make math *look* exciting.

I took a baby shower.

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

I washed mud, off of mud.

How young can you die of old age?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

On the other hand... You have different fingers.

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

Women... Can't live with 'em... Can't shoot 'em.

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the pen!

What do batteries run on?

Are there any questions?

I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had made out of sponges. I remember one time when I wore it. When I got out of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I came back.

I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it. You know, you turn it upside down

I was walking down the street and all of a sudden the prescription for my eye-glasses ran out ....

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo... He got pretty good... He could go under a rug...

I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I'm so tired...I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.

I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

The other day I was playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"...What's my mother going to do?

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "help wanted". There was another sign below it that said "self service". So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

I want to get a tatoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game *he* was watching was better.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.

I want to start a car repair shop. I have already got the air for the tires.

My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head... I hope it's not hereditary.

I accidentally shot my father-in-law while deer hunting. It was an honest mistake. I came out of the tent in the morning and thought I saw a deer in an orange vest making coffee.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

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